Around the holidays and in a cold new year, psychologists have noticed grief taking up a bigger place in people’s lives. They attribute it to cold weather keeping people indoors and holidays spent in absence of those who are gone.

Dr. Mitzi Doane is a licensed psychologist and has spent the last 45 years helping people with their grief. Dr. Doane said, “Grief is a journey and it’s a very personal journey. And there is no right way to grieve. There’s only your way to grieve.” As she gave some insights on grief and how to support others who are grieving.

She explained that the journey of grief is different for each person lost in our lives depending on the relationship had with that person. One person who this was a clear case for is Harriet Hodgson. Harriet was a writer and family caregiver who experienced many different forms of loss. In 2007, Harriet lost three family members in one week.

When asked on what made her change her writing focus to grief, she said, “A week after my daughter died, I switched from writing about general health and wellness to writing about grief. And I’ve written 11 books on that topic. Now, when I look back, after all these years, the dozens of things grief taught me,”

Writing helped her find a new normal as Harriet found empowerment in her life as she began to write. Her books and helping others created a new form of a balance in her life. “And quite honestly, the more I help others, the more I help myself,” she said. This aligning with what Dr. Doane says that there is never going to be a normal again. That the journey for grief is a journey that brings us hopefully to a new normal.”

Supporting others grieving

Grief can continue for longer than expected as Dr. Doane explained that there are three deaths.
The first is when the body stops functioning, the second is the ceremony or burial of the body, and the third is when they are no longer remembered. So, she put an emphasis for people to keep those memories alive.

When asked about how to support others who are grieving as they do, both Harriet and Dr. Doane spoke on some do’s and don’ts. First and foremost, they made clear people experience grief differently so to not be quick to judge on how people grieve. Harriet expressed the importance of talking and sharing memories of the deceased, especially for those who have loss children.

“After a loved one has died, one of the greatest gifts you can give is to say the deceased person’s name, especially a child’s name, we want to say our children’s names.”

Dr. Mitzi Doane added the importance of showing up after the big events/moments around a death. She said, “It’s really important to remember that after a death, everybody comes to the rescue. We deliver food, we send cards, we go to the wake, we go to the funeral or the celebration of life. And then often what happens is nothing. We go from all this excitement, sometimes even chaos, to sometimes real silence.”

In supporting someone who is grieving, they highlighted the importance of showing up, even if just in the form of a call. Which Harriet made clear that, “During that call, please do not say if there’s anything I can do for you, because we won’t call. So be specific. Say, I’m going to the grocery store, tell me what you need. And I will get it for you something like that.”

They stressed that when showing up in support of someone that the person grieving should always be left with a choice to see someone, accept help, or bring the person into their grieving process. Yet showing up and still being actively there for them can help a person a lot, especially if they are able to find a safe place to grieve. This may be a grief support group or a trusted friend or family member.

Another gift of someone who will listen can have a huge impact. But Dr. Doane warned against saying ‘I know how you feel.’ She said, “don’t say to them, I know just how you feel. I lost my mom. I lost my dad because then it becomes your journey, not theirs. And you don’t know how they feel.”

Honoring and creating new memories

In sharing some coffee or even sharing a memory of the one who has passed, what you are doing is creating new memories. For Harriet, whose husband died in 2020, she found new memories in turning his room into a healing room filled with doodles and art. Harriet recounted that, “when I’m sitting there working on doodle art, I feel my husband’s presence encouraging me, cheering me on.”

Both Harriet and Dr. Doane spoke on the importance of commemorating a person, especially around holidays, birthdays, and death days. The month of January is often a really hard time for people because of the isolation of the cold. There is less running around more time in our homes or in our workplace and the holidays are over. And that’s a big letdown for people.

That can cause grief really to take a bigger place in people lives. So, Dr. Doane stressed the importance of taking really good self-care. A time when it’s really important to reach out or for your friends to reach out to you knowing that this is a difficult time. As she said, “the biggest gift you can give to somebody is to show up.”